Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Reuniting and Making Amends

I've been thinking a lot about life, how strange it is, how mysterious, and why oh why do things happen the way they do. Yesterday in Education Class we were discussing philosophy and the definition of it. The definition of the philosopher according to our teacher is someone who uncovers the truth and is always looking deeply behind events and things to find the answers. We were asked what our philosophy in life was and I thought about it. I've been thinking about that question for a long time. I hate this class btw. I find the subject interesting, but the fact that it's in Arabic makes me feel trapped. I have so many discussions, questions; debates going around it make me go crazy. I feel insecure, especially around a lot of strange girls who speak in perfect Arabic freaking fu97a and if you asked me to repeat any of their answers word for word, I'd be completely stumped. I guess they feel the same way when they hear me bumbling back and forth between Arabic and English struggling to get my thoughts into an appropriate answer.
The class is an elective. It's supposed to have a lot of strange girls from different majors. I'd have to say I'm far more comfortable in classes with girls from the English major. They are more humble, less judgmental, and there is this sense of belonging. In my education class, I feel myself sticking out like a sore thumb <_<

My philosophy in life at the moment: Treat people like you would want to be treated. Everything you do, especially if it's bad comes back to haunt you. Every unthinking, unintentional, intentional mistake comes back and punishes you. Karma is a cruel and unforgiving mistress (Noora, fill in the blank here =p lol) but it even Karma has a purpose. It helps you grow as a person and reminds you to renew this vow every day. Tomorrow I will be better person. I am a better person, and I will be better.

A year ago, I remember reconnecting with Wildy and us babbling for ours, interrupting one another in our rush to fill one another about our lives. I remember telling her about my friends. The circle I called them, this wonderful group of girls who were my whole world at the time. The more I talked to about them, the more worried she got. She commented that our lives and we were so tightly intertwined with one another, which could potentially be damaging. She read me this poem and I listened, but I didn't truly understand what it meant or even how to begin to separate myself from the tangled web of my assorted friendships.

…But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and Dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you
Be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with
The same music
Give your heart's, but not into each other's keeping
For only the hand of Life can contain your heart's
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet.

And she was right in the end. I didn't understand that until I lost a lot of friends for different reasons. It's only now that it makes sense. There was a certain friend who was hurt during that time, and I don't have the words to say how sorry I am. I can't even justify the mistake, the sad lack of judgment.
I have no one to blame for losing you but myself. I let myself get carried away, let my doubts and resentments get the better of me. I didn't check and recheck the facts. I didn't take your word for it. To rephrase a line from My Life as A house "If I ever doubted you or your friendship then that is the greatest mistake in a life full of mistakes." When I stopped trusting you, I stopped trusting myself. I was wrong. I only hope you can forgive me.

I'm sorry, Blackpearlz….I forgot what you meant to me. I forgot the "4ever" in the S&S. I'm grateful your back in my life. I'm grateful that you were better than me. I'm grateful that you are more forgiving than I am. I don't deserve a friend like you and I hope that we can be even better friends than we were before. Thank god for reuniting.

SAS, darling, I do believe by coming back into my life, you started a movement. This year seems to be the year of reuniting. Reunite!!!!! *pumps a fist in the air*

You do not need to leave your room
Remain sitting at your table and listen
Do not even listen, simply wait
Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked
It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet

Franz Kafka, The great wall of China
Stories and Reflection

*lays back and stares at the ceiling* and so it has. The world offered itself freely and after all this time, it is ecstasy. I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. That is not to say that I don't get my moments of sadness, but its not deep depression. Its more like this awakening. Rebirth. This feeling of joy and celebration at being alive, celebrating every emotion. Pain, fury, hurt, sadness…wallow in them, feel them, love them the way a poet loves pain, and then let it go…and embrace these moments of happiness. Its not every day that a miracle comes alone. The miracle of my life is that I'm finally with the people I want the most in my life. The positive people who bring out the best in me and help me blossom into a better person. The negative people who have proven themselves both false and fake have been weeded out, and I can only say good riddance.

Oh, the comfort—the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person—having neither to weight thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and then with a breath of kindness blow the rest away by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Those lines are the embodiment of the friends I have right now….That's the kind of friend I want to be…and those are the friends I want in my life.

I know I've overdone it with the quotes and the poems, but I can't help it. Once a rambler, always a rambler….so dear readers, this rambler is signing out.


1 comment:

Ozzylogic said...

I wanna blog too! I feel left out! Momma!