It feels like forever since I blogged, mostly because I haven't felt like sharing so much of myself. I'm not by nature shy or even reserved. I'm quiet and that's not quite the same as being shy. I've always preferred to watch the world, study the nuances, before taking part of it. It was the same back in university. I give off the reputation of being aloof and stuck up, but I'm merely biding my time. Oh well, maybe I'm a little shy, but you can't hold that against me! A certain friend (Yes, Um3awas, its you) says I'm just stuck up and watching everything from my lofty perch when I should just be the crazy person she knows I can be. She's quite open in her blog, so I suppose I'm taking a page out of her book. I want just a little bit of her courage that if no where else, I can be me, here.
Last year, before this time, I also didn't used to care what anyone thought of me. I used to be the one who was the most comfortable in my skin. I used to be happiest being me. I used to be more open, more trusting, and a lot more accepting. I find that as wise as I've learned to be, I may be just a little fragile. Maybe just maybe I haven't blogged in so long because I was protecting myself. Because maybe if I put my heart out here, someone will squish it and I need it not to be squished please? I'm just a girl after all and I haven't found where I belonged in this world. I used to think I'll conquer untrodden vistas with my words, but here I am, watching the world go by without me in it. Was I imagining the confidence I used to possess in abundance? Maybe it was a product of being a fourth year university student. You feel like you’re a Shark among minnows. Suddenly you graduate and find out that you’re a gold fish and even Sharks turn their nose up at eating you.
December is making me very reflective lately. I've always loved this month. What's not to love? There are the Christmas and New Year themed TV shows, Christmas themed coffee, and the promise and hope of a New Year. Last year, this time, I was generally bursting into tears at any given time. When I think of that one specific (lets say) Teacher who wanted to debate morals and theology while I was falling to pieces about almost not graduating, I still feel like going back in time to skewer him with pencils, pens, and whatever was handy. Come to think of it, that one person was always saying no to me. He even turned down my novel for a Graduation project. -_-! Ha!! On both counts, I proved him wrong!
December reminds me of a special friend who is no longer with us, and as her birthday draws closer. I can't help but be haunted by her. It's been almost six years and not a day goes by that she's not in my prayers. She did love to complain over being born on the 25th of December. I think she just loved the irony of it.
Last year, this time I was bonding with E under a pink umbrella watching the rain soak the pavement around us. Who knew when I passed you by, quiet as a mouse, on the stairs every morning that you would come to mean this much? You're the Carrie Bradshaw to my Samantha Jones. Always.
December also inevitably reminds a person that the New Year is about to dawn. What is it about a new year that makes one hope so? Last year I greeted the 2010 enthusiastically as if diving into it would erase the battering, the bruises, and the bitter tears.
Last year I hoped with all of my might. I made resolutions and for the most part I kept them, honored them, even. For the most part, I'm still in the same place I was Last year. Except where once I was a planet revolving with stars and fellow planets, now I'm a little out of orbit and mostly on the outside. But that's perfectly okay as well because life rarely moves the way we expect it to. I read something beautiful on Twitter the other day, except it was in Arabic so I'll translate as best as I can "If everyone knew just how much care, God was putting in designing their paths and directions, they would all weep at the depths of God's love." I know there's something bigger, better, and brighter out there. I'm just waiting on wishes.