Monday, May 2, 2011

Faith and friends reunited

"There is a reason for everything that comes and goes. So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight, but I'm just surviving and I may be weak but I'm never defeated and I'll keep believing in clouds with sweet silver lining." Kate Voegele

"Write something to make me smile. Paint something full of butterflies and sunshine" -Noufa

I've never been the kind of girl who believes in fairy tales. Well, I used to when I was younger, but I grew out of it. Prince Charming is a myth and miracles almost never seem to happen to someone like me. I'm more prone to believe in the worst case scenario before I believe in the best. I drown, curled up with my own pessimism. I struggle with my own cynicism. I'm prone to depression. I tend to give up. I tend to panic and be afraid. I'm a normal girl with tons of insecurities, virtues, and faults just like everyone else.
I've grown up sheltered with the kind of parents who believe no dream is beyond our grasp. I grew up on fairy tales and Disney movies. Reality was never cruel until suddenly it was. I didn't know friends betrayed. I didn't know there was hurt and suffering. I didn't know change could be terrifying. I used to be resistant when a friend of mine whacks me on the head with reality because I'm so flighty until eventually I immersed myself in reality.
I've tried to live my life in a way that would make me proud to be the person I am. I want to be better than the person I am. I promise myself every day that I will not let my own demons beat me. I will not give in. I'm lucky enough to have a circle of friends who remind me to shake it off. I'm lucky enough that when I'm the most pessimistic, my friends push optimism upon me.
Maybe it’s the writer in me but I write, I articulate, to stop the worst of everything from devouring me. I'm grateful for the gift of writing and I count my blessings every day in the family I have, my amazing sisters, my sweet mini cousins, and the friends I have. . I have always believed in the kindness of strangers, in people's inherent goodness, and in being the best that I could be. I believe in everything happening for a reason, although the reason might elude you. It's a conscience and a constant effort though to remember that there is goodness, there is beauty. There are things to balance out suffering and bitterness. I struggle to have more faith in the world. I struggle to be open and let myself live experiences as they unfold one day at a time and not panic too much about tomorrow. (Even though I secretly do, every day so much that I lie awake at night my mind racing at the thought of things I might never achieve)

Sometimes though, you gather your courage, drown out the naysayers in your head, and you send that message to that special friend you lost touch with. You hold your breath for months and then when life brings sorrow, chaos, and confusion upon you, the reply comes back. It's everything and more than you have ever dreamed. It's like you have lost your glasses for years and then suddenly put them on your nose so you see everything clearly. The colors are more vivid and you feel a thousand times more alive than you have allowed yourself to feel. It's like that feeling when you are a child of being completely safe. You stop being afraid because you know that when your lost, your parents will find you. When you scrape your knee, you know your mom will be there to wipe your tears and patch you up. Only now you have the kind of faith where you completely surrender to God's will, bounty and mercy you know that no matter what there is a reason for everything. When the reason does find you, it brings you closer to God.
I don't feel so afraid anymore. My doubts have flown away. I'm staring out at clouds and breathing in the night air. I believe in miracles, I believe in fairy tales, and I believe in Happily ever after. I believe. I believe and I will remember this in my darkest hours to come. I will remember that there is moon light and stars to keep you company. I will remember that there is a safety net and my courage should be greater than my fear. I will dare more. I will fight more. I will strive for better days and a better me, but in the end I will surrender to a greater plan in place than mine.